Wednesday, 21 March 2012

sexy back!! day 10

WELL.. i certainly gave my muscles time to "recover", didn't i? today {wednesday} is the first time i've worked out in 5 days. 5 stupid fucking days. ok, well i had planned on taking a hangover day {sunday}, and starting on monday, but that didn't happen. 

BF and i haven't been getting along the very best lately. it doesn't help that i feel like he doesn't care about what i want to achieve either. for fuck sakes, i started this whole fitness journey FOR him. it's all for me now, but wanting to be more desirable for him and to have something in common was a big part of the reason i picked up that oxygen magazine and started with the hip hop abs over a year ago. but it really seems that he could care less about what i do with myself. 

ok, ok. so i know this about ME, i'm doing it for ME, and MY health.. so i shouldn't care what he thinks {if he even thinks of me at all}.. but fuck, it hurts. i just want to matter to him. that's all. i want to be more than that chick that lives with him that cleans the house and feeds him and his children. blech. 

ANYWAY.. enough of that pathetic bullshit. what i was trying to get to is why i didn't get to do my run on monday {or tuesday, OR today} as planned. on monday, he had some errands to run. i was cool with that, i actually needed him to grab me a couple things too. all i asked was for him to try to make it back by 3, just in case the sitter cancelled again {which she has been doing A LOT!}. he said no problem, and even that he would call and let me know if he was going to be late, so i could get someone to hold the door open for me {the local free gym where i use the treadmill on running days closes at 3}. good, i thought, either way, i'm covered. i WILL get my run in. well.. the sitter cancelled. i wasn't worried though. i sat there like a stupid little twat, waiting for him to come through the door, or at least for the phone to ring. NOTHING. i was pissed off, but mostly hurt. i didn't even bother telling him off when he finally did make it home {without a single apology or explanation!}, i just went to sleep. yesterday, same thing. except yesterday, we had a huge fight first thing in the morning. i ended up sleeping on the couch just to get as far away from him as i could, and because i knew that if i banished him to the couch he'd just sneak back into bed once i was asleep {i sleep like the dead!}. shittiest sleep EVER. same thing today. no sitter, still not speaking to the cunt. but midway through the day, i kind of snapped out of my funk and got pissed. here i am, being a fucktard and letting this asshole ruin my workouts. i could have done weights those days, or insanity, instead of missing!! well, maybe not weights, since that's not how it is on my little schedule.. BUT, i could have done SOMETHING. 

so tonight, after supper was cleaned up and all of the homework was done, i slapped in my insanity dvd and GOT SHIT DONE. it felt good to channel my anger towards something useful, and i feel better for doing it. tomorrow it will be weights, and the day after that, a run AND weights {depending on how i feel}. if i can't run for whatever reason, i'll do insanity. i figure as long as i'm not doing high impact {running and insanity} on consecutive days, i'm ok. i also have to work on finding a more reliable sitter. 

so i'm glad i finally worked out. i am disappointed with myself for missing those days, but there is no point dwelling on that. i am hurt by the way BF has been acting, but that's his fucking problem. bottom line: this is MY health, MY goal of running the 18k in the fall, MY body, and i'll be damned if i'm going to let a little asshattery fuck that up on me. i'm not sure where our relationship is going from this point, except that a big ass TALK is going to be had, and soon. frankly, i don't give a fuck anymore. i'm just gonna keep doing my thing, getting this sexy back :)

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