Wednesday, 25 January 2012

kitchen bitch gets her sexy back DAY 2

whew. day 2 was a killer. 

today for my workout, i did this fat blasting circuit from oxygen magazine. it was nowhere near as intense as what i'm used to with insanity, and i didn't get any nausea. to be honest, i almost felt that it was too easy. at first. right now? omg, i can feel EVERY fucking muscle i worked, and i'm beginning to get stiff. looks like i have another date in the tub with stephen king. 

here is a breakdown of what i did:

  • run in place, 30 steps
  • body weight bulgarian squats, 15 reps each leg
  • jumping jacks, 20 reps
  • standing hammer curl, 15 reps each arm
  • step ups, 10 reps each leg
  • push ups, 15 reps {incline push ups for 2nd circuit}
  • run in place, 30 steps
  • side plank, 20s each side
  • jumping jacks, 20 reps
  • front raise, 15 reps {lateral raise for 2nd circuit}
  • step ups, 8 reps each leg
  • one-armed seated row, 15 reps each arm
  • run in place, 30 steps
  • walking lunge, 15 reps each leg
  • jumping jacks, 20 reps
  • bench dips, 15 reps
  • step ups, 8 reps each leg
after all of that, i rested for 2 minutes and did it again {with the changes noted for the 2nd circuit}. 

afterwards, i was sweaty but not out of breath and exhausted, like i'm used to with insanity. i had tons of energy and even considered asking BF if we could up the intensity. now, i know better. i'm glad he helped me create this program, because it's hard to do a completely exhausting super workout every goddamned day. this circuit doesn't exhaust me, but i can tell that i've worked. i like it.

tomorrow is rest & recovery day. i'm still going to do my food journal, but not much else. 

here is my intake for day 2:
8am- protein & supps
9am-coffee, 2 sugar
9:25- coffee, 2 sugar
      chocolate chip cookie
11:05- coffee, 2 sugar
11:45- scrambled eggs & sausages
12pm- coffee, 2 sugar
12:45- coffee, 2 sugar
2pm- slice of cheese
     1 cup pineapple juice
4:30- post-workout protein & supps
5pm- peant butter cookie
6:30- spaghetti and meatballs with cheese
      {approx. 1 cup}
      coffee, 2 sugar
7pm- coffee, 2 sugar
8pm- coffee, 2 sugar
8:30- coffee, 2 sugar
9:10- coffee, 2 sugar

ok, so i went a little coffee crazy today.. but it's still TONS less than usual, seeing as how writing down helps me to drink less. 

that's it for today. thank god tomorrow is r&r day, because i am fucking tired and sore. 

kitchen bitch gets her sexy back DAY 1

getting back on track
ok, so here we are again. i since the last time i posted about getting in shape and working out, i have been slacking HORRIBLY. i have done absolutely NOTHING in terms of exercise, except for sex. quite frankly, banging my BF is probably the only thing that kept me from blowing up like a balloon over the holidays.. especially after all of the shit food i ate!!

in any case, i'm starting over. BF sat down with me the other night and helped me create a 6-week program that is really just a hybrid of the insanity workout and a fat blasting circuit we got from a fitness magazine. hopefully, i won't slack this time. i'm hoping that posting here every day about my workouts and daily intake will make me feel more accountable somehow, so i will be less likely to slack. i'm probably the most unmotivated bitch in the world, so i need all the help i can get!! without further ado, here is my breakdown of day 1.

i started with day 1 of insanity, which is a fit test. the sadistic madman wonderful shawn t coaches you through 8 different moves to help track your progress. it is repeated every 2 weeks. basically, you are given 1 minute to complete as many reps of each move as you can. here are my results for day 1. for this first day, the numbers in red are my results from my last fit test, which was some time in November. as you can see, i'm actually not that far behind!

GLOBE JUMPS-7 rotations {8}, for a total of 28 jumps {32}

i must admit, even though this is the shortest of all the insanity workout, i did struggle with it. i pushed myself as hard as i could, and a lot of times i powered through on sheer frustration with myself for slacking. when i was finished, i was extremely nauseated for about half an hour. i felt like shit that had been been stepped on and run over twice, and it took me 25 minutes to slowly sip my post workout shake because i didn't want to puke it up. that shit is expensive! 

anywho, once the nausea passed i was fine. i felt energetic and optimistic. and even though my numbers were lower than last time, at least my 2 months of slacking hadn't set me too far behind. to be honest, the numbers were far better than i expected! 

here is my intake for day 1:
8:00- protein & supps
10:00- giant can of red bull
11:00- large triple triple from Tim's
13:30- tuna wrap with spinach and cheese
14:30- 10 pieces of popcorn chicken
       coffee, 2 sugar
18:00- post-workout protein & supps
19:50- 1 peanut butter cookie with milk
20:00- 1/2 grilled cheese on whole wheat
       coffee, 2 sugar

so yeah. i don't think i ate enough today, but it's mostly because i went shopping and was busy with other things in the afternoon. i will try not to go such a long stretch without food tomorrow as i did this afternoon. i did really good with the coffee though. 

tomorrow is day 2. i will be doing a fat blasting circuit that combines cardio and weights. i'm looking forward to it because it will be something different than the usual insanity workout. i love insanity, but i do get tired of the same thing every day. 

wish me luck!!

Saturday, 21 January 2012

it's not supposed to be like this

{written on january 3, 2012}

it's not supposed to be like this. people can and do change. right? love is real. isn't it? we're still ok. aren't we?

how can one incident, no matter how frightening, bring me back to this terrifying place that i had thought was long gone and behind us for good? you're right here, right beside me. i can touch you. but i feel completely alone. why do i suddenly feel as if this entire past year has been just a dream, just a sickeningly sweet dream that i am desperately, but hopelessly, grasping at? 

why can't you ever apologize? why don't you ever ask if i'm ok? in case you're wondering, i'm not. i'm hurting, torn open, fucking hemorrhaging at the thought of how quickly and easily you reverted back to your old, cruel ways. 8 years, and suddenly i feel like i don't even know you. 

what about the past year?  where is that sweet, gentle man? was it all a lie, or some hopelessly foolish fantasy that i allowed myself to believe? all of the kisses, all of the hours spent without words, just us, being together. how could you fake all of that? 

call me stupid, but it's been real for me. and you can never say i didn't try. i gave you everything, all of me. i worked so hard to be everything: the perfect mom, wife, friend. but for what? when i think of it now, you never noticed how much i was trying. you don't even fucking notice ME, unless of course, i fuck something up. 

wait just one fucking minute here, motherfucker. when i started writing this shit, i was in tears, silently sobbing, feeling helpless in the wake of your rage. so i take a break, grab a glass of water, smoke.. come back to read over what i had written..

WHAT IN THE SWEET FLYING FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME? fuck you, asshole. you put a hole in my wall, or fuck anything up in my fucking house, expect some fucking nut-sack obliterating wrath. you frighten my children, MY VERY REASONS FOR EXISTENCE, i will fucking end you. you insult my family just because they don't like you, you better go take a flying fuck at a flaming tire, because that's the only thing your dick is getting near. 

you're sleeping now. content. peaceful. you know nothing of this other than the defeated look you put on my face, and the tears that you caused to flow against my will. you probably think you've won, broken me some how. you have no fucking idea. i hope you get your fucking rest, you cunt, because you are going to fucking need it.

in hiding

i'm in hiding. i unpublished my fb page, and i'm not sure if i will get it up and running again. i left all of my groups that are not connected to me IRL. i miss my girls though. they were hysterically funny and amazingly supportive. but this is something i felt i needed to do. i needed to take a step back from the online world, and fix my real world problems.

it was so easy to just hop on the computer, have a laugh, and pretend everything is ok. in fact, my funniest moments always seemed to be the times i was hurting the most. humour can be very therapeutic, but it can also serve as a mask. you can hide what you feel through jokes and laughter and sarcasm. you can hide it so well, that you might even forget about it for awhile.

the thing with feelings is that you can't keep them hidden for long. even if there is no one else in the entire world that even suspects that something isn't right, even if you wear that mask 24/7... you can't hide them from yourself. 

eventually i found myself lying in bed wide awake, night after night, long after everyone else had fallen asleep. i'd be sad and anxious and lonely, eventually sneaking out of bed to smoke like a chimney and do laundry. mind you, i have no reason to be feeling like this. things are finally looking up. the kids are amazing, as always, bringing me surprising little moments of immeasurable love and joy during the day. BF has been intensely sweet and understanding, too. afer 8 years, he has finally mastered the art of surviving through my period without a major blow-up. he's dealt with the countless mood swings and my often unreasonable bitchiness with sweet smiles, hugs, and unconditional love. he truly deserves a medal, or at least more than i could ever give him with my piss poor apologies that in no way make up for how unreasonable i can be. 

after a few days without online distractions, i've learned a few things.

1. i have to learn to stop isolating myself from friends and family. it's not right that the only people that i see each day are my kids and BF. i need to overcome that anxiety and just GTFO.
2. i need to see my doctor about a lot of things, including: my anxiety at leaving the house, the cycle of depression and hyperactivity that i've been noticing these past few months, and what ever the fuck it is with my intestines
3. i need something more in my life, other than just being a gf and mother. i need a challenge, more mental stimulation. i've been looking into ways of getting back to school to get my LPN, so i guess that's a start.

i know what i have to do. the trick is to get it done. as the self-appointed queen of isolation, i have to get my ass out of this house before i become just another piece of furniture. today is a good start. i've promised my time to a local sliding party for the community's children. i helped to set up the event, and i promised the kids all week that we would go. so unless there is some kind of catastrophe, i'll be leaving the house. am i anxious? fuck yes. but disappointing the kids is a much worse thing than facing all of the other moms and their questions as to why i haven't followed through on my promises of joining them for a girls' night, or even just a coffee.  

the real day of reckoning comes on monday, the deadline i have set for myself to make all the phone calls and appointments that are needed. the thought even of picking up the phone makes me anxious, but it has to be done. 

i hope that the doctor will have some answers for me, or at least send me to someone who will. living like this is not good for me, and not good for my children.